Cap!Reborn ReCap 3

[tsukinofaerii]

SPOILERSCaptain America Reborn Issue #4 comes out tomorrow, so I decided to go ahead and post Issue #3's recap now and finally be caught up. \o/ The cover of this particular, fine comic is Cap and a machine gun. No, I really don't get it either. Our cover theme seems to be Cap Is Awesome, without any connection to much of anything that happens inside the cover. Oh, well.

The sliding scale of Win gives this issue...That's right! We finally get a picture of the one and only Tony Stark, and it instantly moves the Win Scale up a whole color! Wait? You want something else that's more than "meh"? Maybe next issue.

In our last issue, we had Cap still wandering back and forth in time, with no plot, reason or even vaguely interesting ideas in sight. Sharon is somehow connected to Cap's "death/not-death", and no one is telling us why. Gobby is Evil and also, incidentally, owns the only sign of plot: he wants to put Red Skull into Cap's Body and then use him as a minion in order to support Gobby's Tyranny. That'll go over well, I'm sure. Finally, nuCap is being held hostage until Sharon gives herself up. I'm tempted to call Sharon the Distressed Damsel for her place in all this, because I seriously can't see any reason for her place except that they wanted to include a girl, and she's yet to do anything except Be Distressed.

Inside the cover, we open with a shot of Steve in all pale blues, looking vaguely thoughtful and, incidentally, very cold. He's basically recapping that omg! He's trapped in time! And this is bad for his mental health. It turns out, Steve is trapped in the ice. Again. And this time, he's conscious. SO MUCH DO NOT WANT. His tone worries me, a bit. It reads very slow, almost bored, as he goes through his Avenger's Origin, with Namor's attack and the stereotypical natives. Here's some pretty art for you. And here's the text that's missing from that:

Cap: Trapped in the ice again... How many times have I been here? So helpless... If only my eyes had been frozen shut all those years.... I pray to skip away through time again... even back to the Depression... Even to my mother's deathbed...

In short, this bit creeps me out. A lot. Will Cap come back with his sanity intact, or are we going to be looking at a Very Different Captain America? D:

The plot continues pretty much as we expect. This is a straight-up rehash, which kind of reinforces my hypothesis that Reborn is a way to get N00bs in on the game. Namor is pissy, breaks the ice, Steve floats off—if you're reading this, you probably know the drill.

Our next scene is helpfully labeled "The Arctic Ocean – Where Steve Rogers' Body Was Secretly Laid To Rest. The colors are looking a little more normal again, if a bit pink right now, but not bad. Maybe they're getting tired of trying to come up with a new shade for every time/place. Namor leaps out of the water like a small dolphin, and Reed Richards is there, thanking Namor for coming. The next panel shows us what kind of awesome Namor really is.

Namor: I wouldn't take time from my day for you, Richards. I'm here for Captain America.

What's not to love about that sort of honesty? Reed pretty much agrees, and they get down to business: examining Cap's body. Marvel pretty much seems to have shoved as much of the DO NOT WANT as they could into this issue, maybe it payment for the half-naked short-shorts Steve of yore, because we're treated to a slightly hazy picture of Steve's corpse through the glass of his coffin. D: They make it even worse because, as far as I can tell, Steve was buried naked. I see no signs of clothing on that corpse.

Say it with me now: DO NOT WANT.

I have searched for a scan and not found it. I'm going to consider this a sign and let it go. I will, however, note that dead!Cap inside the coffin is suspiciously similar to this, down to the out-stretched arms and highly prominent rubs, so this is probably just the result of the artist being lazy. Either way, Cap was buried in the nuddie.

Fortunately, the horror of Steve's desiccated body doesn't last long, because he fades away . Can someone please explain to me why Cap has been trapped in time for a while now and his body has only just vanished before our eyes? Narrative convenience only stretches so far.

Poor Namor is devastated, of course. Cap's resting place was his responsibility, and now the body's gone. Reed, as per the norm for Reed, is distracted by the Shiny of it all, and immediately starts trying to apply technology. Reed immediately contacts Hank, and this is priceless.

Reed: Hank, do you read me?
Hank: Loud and clear, Reed... There's some news on the—
Reed: Wait. I'm at the arctic resting place... And we've got a problem...
Hank: Oh... I was just going to say the same thing to you...

Next scene! We're in Hank Pym's Lab, and Hank is telling Reed to check the news. The world is green again. WTF. The news is reporting that Sharon is At Large. Ruh-roh. Sharon and ScarJo are arguing—Sharon wants to give herself up in order to save nuCap. When given a choice between bringing back Steve and handing herself over to a madman, Sharon chooses the madman. Great way to portray women, guys. Just marvelous. ScarJo is being sensible and saying no, and Vision agrees with her. ScarJo's hair is... you know, IDEK. It looks like someone took her ponytail and made it poofy. Maybe because they needed to make it less obvious that Sharon and ScarJo are basically recolors of the same art. They're even in identical-but-recolored clothing.

We don't get a location label on this next spot, maybe because it appears to be a jet flying over... erm, somewhere. We're looking at buttery yellows now, if you're following the color code. NuCap is being beaten up Scourge (Identity and Powers Unknown—Current Thunderbolt) and Ghost (Ethereal Scientific Genius—Current Thunderbolt). That's pretty much that. Paladin (Mercenary Soldier—Current Thunderbolt) and Ant-Man (Regretting Being a Current Thunderbolt) are in the cockpit, which means some time must have passed, since we just saw Hank. Is Hank playing Thuderbolt? I have no idea. When Paladin tells Scourge that it's not a good idea to hurt the prisoner, Scourge proceeds to call upon the Random Number Gods and ask, "What's he going to do about it?"

Unnoted jump again, back to what is either Hank Pym's Lab or Tony Stark's Bedroom a Captain America Museum. Sharon is wandering around a room filled with Cap memorabilia, including the variations of his shield, pictures, his medals... Meanwhile, she Angsts. She's thinking about nuCap's Plight, and What She Did To Cap, and it really doesn't take a genius to figure out what she's going to do. At no point, however, does she pause to think, "If I give myself up, Cap will be Lost In Time forever!" Nope, all angst, no common sense. Sigh.

A giant panel comes next: Cap Kicking Skrull Ass in the Kree-Skrull War, yeah! We also get to see a giant Clint, dressed in very little leather, along with Cap's obligatory commentary explaining that Clint is Goliath at this point in history. I have tried desperately to find a scan of the next panel, because it's the only reason this one wasn't rated "meh". Alas, no one seemed interested in capturing Tony's butt for posterity. And just as I finish typing that, I find gold. I♥U, internet. It's wonderful how, for no real reason, Tony's body armor was designed like cheekies. I have underwear that fits like this.

Cap is angsting like a dedicated Tony cosplayer, pondering exactly how much it sucks to be him right now. Is there nothing he can do to stop this madness?! But wait! Is that... I think it is... OMG. PLOT! Past! Vision shows up and tells Cap that he's needed on deck. And Cap? Cap has an idea.

Cap: You still back up your memory banks on the Avengers computer?
Vision: Daily when possible, in case I'm ever deactivated and lose data. Why?
Cap: Because I need to tell you something, and then I need you to forget it. To bury it deep in your memory storage... Can you do that?
Vision: Yes... It should not be a problem.

DUN DUN DUN. What does Cap tell him? I have no idea, because our scene cuts off there. I can't even imagine what Cap could say, other than "HELP. LOST IN THYME. HELP. Luv, Steev", because he seems to know less about it than anyone else. Oh well, maybe it'll be put to good use. At least, it had better be.

Our next scene is pretty straightforward. Falcon is on a rescue mission—it even says so in his descriptor. Considering that our first shot is of him breaking into the bad guy's cockpit, I'm tempted to say this is a no brainer. Ant-Man (Just Looking for an Excuse to Leave) goes to secure the prisoner. Thanks to these events, we are greeted with the image of a tiny Ant-Man saying, "Hey dude!" to a battered and scruffy nuCap. He proceeds to set nuCap free, because our little Ant-Man has a self-preservation streak, and knows which way the wind is blowing. Meanwhile, Scourge is being really stupid and trying to fight using Cap's shield. Sam is, of course, kicking his ass.

Scourge: Dammit, Ghost! Worry about flying the ship--I can handle this one!
Sam: You so sure about that? I was trained by the guy that shield was made for...

Remember when Scourge called upon the Random Number God? Well, he rolled snake eyes. NuCap is free, and he's pissed! Also scruffy still. NuCap takes out Scourge, while Falcon goes after Ghost. And then they fly off into the sunset. Or at least, into the pinkish clouds.

Next scene is short, but full of facepalm. Sharon's gone AWOL. Three guesses where she is and the first two don't count...

If you guessed "turned herself in to Gobby", you are very sadly correct. *sigh* (headdesk)

Finally, we come to our last scene! It's villains again. Skully-Baby is standing around in his little robot ody, watching the news that Sharon's turned herself in and being very full of himself. Osborn doesn't know what Sharon's the key to, blah blah blah. His head kind of reminds me of a turret from Portal. Sin and Crossbones show up, and Gobby was nice enough to give them their gear back. They proceed to explain that yep, Gobby may be crazy, but he knows what he's doing. And then! Skully is shy! Awwwwh. He doesn't want them to look at him in his new robot body. His pose is very "STOP! In the name of love, before you brea~eak my heart..."

But look! Doc Zola gave Sin and Crossbones a gift for Skully! It's a shiny new head. Ew. Gods know why no one thought to stick a fake head on the robot body before, if it bothers him so much. They don't even bother to give him a nice head; just the same old red skull thing. Sin explains that this is just a temporary measure, until he gets the body he "deserves". Eep! Also, they're going to Latveria. Um. Okay, that means only one thing...

ANOTHER CLOSE-UP. This time of Skully-Baby. Eww.

Summary: Cap's Status is Still Lost in Time, Thank You Very Much, but he managed to leave an unknown message buried in Vision's memory banks. He may also be going insane. Fun times! NuCap was beaten up, then got to do some beating up, and is now making good his escape with Sam. ScarJo did something new with her hair because the secret twins plot is still secret. Steve's body is missing and presumed nekkid. And Sharon? Our walking, talking bit if Phlebotinum? She's done the intelligent thing and handed herself over to a madman. Oh, don't forget Skully, who is packing up his daughter and Right Hand Man (which is a dirty phrase if ever there was one) to take a family trip to Latveria, where (I assume) Gobby intends to give him Cap's body as a gift, hopefully without Cap still in it.

I really wish that last line didn't sound as bad as it does.

Stay tuned for Issue Four, wherein I begin to sob in vain hope for a reason to keep reading.

Comments

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

I really do think that boyshorts tend to cover a little more of the asscheeks. Really.

[pkoceres.livejournal.com]

Well, it is Tony.