enablement

[tsukinofaerii]

You know, it's strange. I just watched my cousin get tarted up to go sell shots to dirty old men. It's been described as something between a waitress and a call girl. During this time, I made a number of hooker jokes, but the truth is, she pulled it off. She's the kind of girl who can get (and has gotten) $50 tips just for being pretty. I mean... she models. Not like, super models because she's only 5'3" and not built like a celery stick, but she models and sells things just by showing cleavage and smiling. I kind of want to hate her for it, but the worst part is that she honestly just doesn't understand how being in the same room with her can make other people feel uglier than they usually do. Not that I usually think I'm ugly, but when she's standing around with her legs and breasts (she has very nice breasts, I've envied them since I was 13) and hair, she has a way of making me feel like something that crawled out of a cave. I can feel my armpit hair growing. And she doesn't get it at all. I tried to explain once, and it hurt her feelings. It's like... she sees everyone else as they are and doesn't ever even compare their looks to her own. Or if she does, it's like she doesn't see how they could not measure up.

Which is even worse, because if she were snooty, at least I could say she has an ugly personality.

(This was Devon, by the by, not Bri. I'm not speaking to Brittany for reasons which, I'm sad to say, she doesn't understand and probably won't understand even when I'm able to explain them without hitting something. Which would be a bad thing because last time I was this angry, bad things happened, and I can't afford Bri's hospital bills. Or my own, for that matter, because Bri is the type that would hit back.)

Anyways, she gave me an eyeshadow. A $20 eyeshadow. Just casually, here you go, you'll use it and I like the caked version better. I bantered, something about how her sister couldn't use it because they don't make black eyeshadow for florescent pale skin, but inside I kept thinking, What? Are you kidding? I'm not worth a $20 eyeshadow! I'm not even worth a $5 eyeshadow!. And then she was putting on her hot pants and bra and told her boobs to "look big, boys" at which point I tried not to think about how I'd love for mine just to look full, but alas I have my mother's breasts. We bantered, we're very good at that, and I talked her out of the hooker-red patent heels for silver ones that at are at least more escort-girl than hooker. And then on her way out she said that she'd ask me to go except she's working and we wouldn't get to hang out at all.

Gods, I wanted to cry. I can't even imagine going the same places she goes and trying to pretend I don't look like the sad cousin who tagged along unwanted.

But you know what? I went back inside and worked out. Not much, because it gives me a headache to be perfectly honest, but a bit. And I shaved my legs, because it makes me feel girlier and almost pretty. (How sad is it that we live in a society that judges us by the hair we remove?) I know the legs are kind of pointless, because I have Hair, not just hair, and they'll be prickly again in a couple of hours, but for now they're smooth and kind of weird. Anyway, I did all those girlie things that I normally don't bother with, and I worked out, and it kind of hit me that Devon is an amazing type of motivation. Not only is she pretty, and not only does she not realize that other people aren't, but she's like a living testament of how I could be. I know I could have her body, because we're built almost identical. We used to be mistaken for twins. Hell, there one picture of us when we were younger that I love to trot out. She and I are wearing the exact same clothes, with our hair done the same way, and only the shoes are different. I pull it out and ask people (my own parents!) which is which, and they always pick the one one the left as me, which makes me cackle and go "NO! The other one! I remember because I wore the red shoes and I was angry because I wanted the black ones!" And this strange similarity never really went away. Even now, if we let our hair go back to its normal color, we have the same hair, and face-shape and honestly her tan makes her look more like my father's daughter than I do. Boobs and five-digits of dentistry before I can get braces aside, we'd look a lot alike if I just kicked my ass in gear and got rid of the extra jiggle in my extremities.

She's an awesome enabler, the kind that makes me want to work out, to dress nice, to wear more make-up than just what doesn't make my face feel naked. To be able to see whatever it is she sees that makes her wish I could go spin dirty old men with her for money. One of these days, I should try and tell her that.

Comments

[blinddeciever.livejournal.com]

About the thing on how society judges us by the hair we remove -- it's actually a very ancient "art", if you want to call it that: Ancient egyptians (all but the peasants) would shave every inch of their body. Some other societies did such things as well (although not to the extremes the egyptians went through). But it is kind of sad that people get odd looks if they go out unshaved. *Shrugs*

*Grimaces* Ouch. It can't be much fun to hang around her then.... I feel the same way about Cris, on the first part of the journal. She's so dang pretty and looks good in so damn much, and yet I never look good, and I never feel good either when I'm around her. It really sucks. It's worse because she's my best friend. *Sighs*

But aye, Devon is an amazing type of motivation. Keep thinking that; keep that knowledge in your mind, to the point where you hate that you know it. It'll help in the long run (although in the short run, it may make you mad as can be. XD Or possibly vica-versa.)

Lol. I have a great idea of what I'll look like when I get older; and basically how I'll look throughout my life. My mom is the spitting image of my grandma, and I'm the spitting image of my mom -- except for one difference between mom, grandma and I: I have a guy's body frame and mind set, and not much of a female one. In fact, I look a lot like them, but I'm also completely different....

Lol; sorry, this journal just made me remember that. ^^;

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but Egyptians had good reasons; their major source of water had crocodiles. So bathing was replaced by perfumes for body odor, and hair was kept varmint-free by simply not having hair. But peasants couldn't afford the good razors or time daily to keep up with the shaving, so they didn't. From there, it ossified into a class thing.

I admit that I like the feel of my legs when they're hairless. I mean, leg hair doesn't seem to serve any purpose, and it's kind of prickly and silly. Much nicer smooth. But I already spend forever just washing the hair on my head; why in the world should I shave daily when the only result will be constantly stubbly legs? The hair-removal creams aren't up to the job, and waxing is both ineffective and painful for the most part. Well, ineffective when I do it myself. If it's effective, it jumps to expensive instead. Society just fails entirely on this one. It's one of the major reasons I wear pants constantly.

Yeah. *sigh* I think everyone probably has that one person makes them go "I want to look like that ;-;".

That's good! You can say "okay, this feature risks heading that direction, so if I do this, the damage will be minimized." Not much help with bodily things, since you don't share body types, but still!

I'm not sure what I'll look like. I'm told I look a lot like my Mom and both Grandmothers. oO Also my father, but if I look like my father when I get older I may as well start the plastic surgery now. Hopefully I'll find some graceful mix of them all, but right now I'll settle for not having hips twice the size of my shoulders. x.X Which have been proven to be a running risk on the maternal side. (Maybe the paternal side of tiny-tiny hips will balance it out...? I can hope? Right?)

[blinddeciever.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying they didn't have good reason. Merely that they made it an art. *Shrugs*

I disagree; body hair actually serves a very vital service, for many parts of the world: It provides warmth, although most people don't actually realize that body hair does.

Yeah. Unfortunately, my ideas are a little skewed: She was around 30 by the time a car accident screed her life up. I was 11. Therefore, I haven't the faintest clue. Our bodies, one the inside, are very different as well. Our minds work both similarly and differently, and my immune system is very much weaker then hers, despite the vitamins and supplements I take to help build it up. It's incredibly weak; I'll be the first to catch something....and the first to get over it, too, but after affects linger for weeks, so it doesn't really matter. *Sighs wearily*

Yes. Hope. Hope is always a very, veyr, VERY good thing.

HOMG I SAW NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN AND I WANNA GO TO NARNIA NOOOOOOOOOOW!

I'm dyin' over here. I WANNA GO TO NARNIAAAAA! *Cries*

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

oO Considering how sparse it is? My legs do not feel any warmer when I have not shaved versus when I have. Maybe it's a remnant of when we needed the fur, but clothing has officially made it obsolete.

(hugs) You sound like you need it. (hugs again)

XD That good, huh? TELL! TELL!

[blinddeciever.livejournal.com]

*Shakes head* You're thinking like an American.....


Oh, yes, I need a hug. I can't type straight. it's taking me 4 times as long to type this; I'm exhausted.

Sorry, no tell. Me too tired. *Yawns*

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes I am. It's rather a habit.

(pets) I hope you've rested by now.

[makacookie.livejournal.com]

*shakes head* so what about your cousin, you can do things that she can't, web design, fanning, etc. So she can look pretty, your pretty too, I still don't understand where all this insecurity is coming from. You have a AA for crying out loud, I bet she doesn't have that. And (not to bag on her, 'cause she sounds nice) eventually as her looks fade and your AA will still be as good as it ever was. And If you really feel that way about your body then just do what I do,"and just do it." I know it's like a cliché, but that's how I get my exercise. I dragged my bike to the end of the drive, and before I knew it I was whizzing down my hill, I ended up doing almost 2 miles yesterday, just by having a self-talking with myself and saying screw it, just do it. If she is your modivation to be healthier then that's great, but If you are already healthy enough (you can really never be healthy enough, but you know) then expend your energy's on something else. You have no reason to feel bad about your self or have low self esteem for that matter, your feelings on how worthy you are, are all generated by your own self talk. I remember in high school how all the other girls hated me and would make fun of my appeerance, I would stand in front of my mirror before school and tell myself that I was a ,"good and beautiful person who deserved to be loved and respected." After about 4 months of that my demeanor changed and I ended up having all thoe girls actually apologize to me and the boys finally started to take notice of me. By the time I left school I had over half the school as acquaintances and was best friends with the cheerleading captain, and had a senior boyfriend (he was a sweetie), so it is all a state of mind sometimes. Try it you might be surprised.

-Nicole

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

(rubs forehead) Honestly, I could explain, except I'd sound like a whiny emo bitch, and I've been doing that far too often lately. Needless to say, I'm well aware that I'm not bad in the looks department, but there's a vast difference between "not bad" and "amazing". She is amazing. And when I am around her, "not bad" isn't a pleasant place to be. She has lots of things going for her other than looks; as do I. That's neither here nor there, and has nothing to do with absolutely anything.

She's prettier than me. This is simply a fact of life. I am allowed to compare myself to her and come up with a negative sum, because it's honest. I'm rarely honest in matters like this.

I should have added a "respond with 'cheer up' at your own risk" warning to this before I hit "post".

Maybe the positive affirmation stuff worked for you, but I'd probably end up slapping myself for various reasons. And I'm pretty sure I'd deserve it. Quite seriously, low self-esteem doesn't go away just because you're good at BSing yourself. I, as a matter of fact, am very good at BSing myself and the general population of people around me. Thus this post, because even I can't keep that sort of thing up forever without an occasional outlet.

Clearly, this was a bad idea. I'm sorry I just pissed you off. If I didn't piss you off, I apparently restrained myself adequately.

(frozen)

[makacookie.livejournal.com]

Fucking-A Crystal! This isn't your first post on your insecurities and your cousin. So shit or get off the pot already! (If positive self talk won't work, what about tough love?) You had been documenting your new diet "lifestyle eating" then it dwindled down to not even a post. Okay I could understand the not wanting to take and post pictures everyday, looking at what you were eating everyday made me want to mail you a candy bar. But If you want it bad enough, you can GET IT. It won't work unless you combine diet and exercise. So quit yer bitchin' and get crackin'! YOU CAN DO IT! (Lemme' know If this helps :), and If not throw on some, "eye of the tiger", and get pumped. And lastly, your worth more than you give yourself credit for, you really should look into retail therapy. Nothing like a new pair of shoes to really feel awesome and revel in your femininity all at the same time.

-Nicole

P.S. If you really want me to stop commenting, I just can't, my mouth is too big for my own good.

(frozen)

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

1) Um... Yes it is? I have two cousins. One pisses me off on a regular basis. This is the other one. I don't think I've ever posted about Devon directly before. Side-mentions, possibly. A whole post? No.

1a) Why the hell are you reacting like I went "I'm fat and ugly and there's no help for for it so I'm going to go eat a box of bon bons"?

2) On the diet, that got squished when I gained weight, so I'm back to my usual routine. (Could have sworn I posted this, but possibly not--I stopped taking pictures for a while because it was a pain in the ass.) Said usual routine usually tops out at about 1200 cals, is much more convenient, and is cheap. I'm researching ways to refine this.

3) You do realize that I'm up and doing things for 12-14 hours a day, right? Before I get to start on things like chores. Serious exercise is not in my schedule at the moment. I have enough of a problem finding time to sleep 5-6 hours a night.

4) Retail therapy only works if you actually have money or give a damn about things like shoes. I don't. Actually, as far as money goes, retail therapy would be paying off my bills, kthx.

5) SEE POINT 1A.

(frozen)

[makacookie.livejournal.com]

*points* on number 1a what do you plan on doing about it? Bitching is one thing, but coming up with a battle plan (this I assume you want, because of how unfit you feel) is a whole 'nother monster. On 3, regardless of how much you are up and about, it only counts If you can keep your heart rate up for 20 minutes, and then and only then, after the 20 min.s have elapsed, anything after that will you begin to burn any clingy and unwanted fats. So unless you power walk everywhere I doubt your hitting a level that is burning calories plus fat. It's a good thing to be up and about, don't get me wrong, but your not going to loose the jiggle (I think every woman thinks she has jiggle, god save us all) until, pardon the cliche', you feel the burn, literally.

Hate me later (http://www.healthierus.gov/exercise.html#maintain)


To conclude this comment please refer to the P.S. on my above comment.


-Nicole

(frozen)

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

1a) LJ is for venting. This is LJ. I vented. That was the point.

3) The argument was not that I exercise. I do not get enough exercise. This is a foregone conclusion. I don't have time to exercise. My free time is a few hours after 9 PM and when I sleep. I do the chores of a full-time housewife in addition to caring for 9 dogs and 3 horses, plus a full time job.

I'm. fucking. BUSY.

And this is only succeeding in pissing me off.

(frozen)

[makacookie.livejournal.com]

Fine.