tsukinofaerii (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tsukinofaerii) wrote2011-09-21 08:40 pm
tsukinofaerii) wrote2011-09-21 08:40 pm
The pure distilled essence of FML
I... just... IDK. I hate my life and it hates me?
These last two weeks have been hell. Just top-down, inside-out hell. So be warned: whining and a pity party below, as well as some possibly triggery stuff by way of pet death.
First off, my immediate supervisor Jacci was out last week, and will also be out all of this week because her mother passed away, so everything that took me away from work left my position entirely uncovered. There's literally no one else to answer the phones.
I spent about two days at the VA Clinic to get Papa set up, and ended up working late to try and make up the hours. They kept demanding his DD form 2-14. We've been hearing that for years. We were told they burned up in a fire, but we needed XYZ to get copies. Every time we asked, XYZ changed. Or needed to be sent somewhere else. Or weren't filed the right way and had to be done again. Once they demanded a copy of his DD form 2-14 to get a copy of his DD form 2-14. But now we have no choice, but they wanted them again. So after having dragged an old man to the doctor's for day-long visits twice in a row, we finally found out that he he doesn't fucking have a form 2-14. They only started giving those out in Vietnam, and he's a WWII vet. In years of asking, no one had told us that. All they needed was his discharge papers, which we had. Fucking bullshit. He's a vet, he's entitled to care, and GDI if I have to assault someone he's going to get it.
So Papa is finally in the system. Now I just need to figure out how to get him to his weekly appointments, since Mary doesn't want to (??? I don't even know), Devon can't, Brittany won't, Melanie can't and I work. I can't afford to miss a day every week. So IDK there.
Speaking of Brittany, she's still not talking to me. I've given up figuring out why, and at this point I don't even care. Trying to be the better person had landed me absolutely nowhere.
We lost not one but two dogs within days of each other, both hit by cars because our fence is designed to keep in horses, not Shih Tzus. In general, everyone agreed that we need to build a fence for the dogs (as I have been saying since the last one died), but (shockingly) no one showed up this weekend to help. And I can't call them, because Brittany's not speaking to me.
Emma showed up over the weekend to reclaim her dogs and grandson (who was due to start school three weeks ago). I think the secret third reason was to sneer at me and blame me for the dogs deaths, because I literally could not touch any dog but my own while she was there. I'd go to cuddle one and someone would call it over. Coincidence the first few times, maybe, but we have enough dogs that being unable to grab even one was just ridiculous. Thank goodness she was here and gone again.
On Monday, my car broke down, causing me to spend yesterday in the repair shop. Between the belt they had to replace and a few other repairs that I knew were coming, it cost me $500 and another day mostly missed from work—ended up working late again. On the plus side, it was Brittany's birthday dinner at home, so I didn't have to put up with being asked to leave my own home for her comfort.
Mary wants a grand to get Richard out of jail, and Devon needs me to co-sign for a loan. My dad is still asking to me to help with his website. My brother's not recovering from his heat stroke they way they'd hoped and as much as I love Papa I don't know how to handle his medical appointments without risking my job.
And finally today, which had not been a terrible one all told, I just noticed that I have a cracked tooth. It's one next to one I had work on as a kid, and I'd complained at the time that the teeth fit too tightly together. So I'm not really shocked that this (relatively) healthy tooth finally gave in under pressure, but did it have to do it now? Really? Have I not put up with enough shit lately?
I should apply for dental insurance, but the co-pays can be ridiculous, and as much heavy work as I need done, I'm afraid I'm going to get in there, hear $17k (the last quote on my mouth, and that was ages ago so I know it's gotten worse) and then break down. It doesn't help that I'm seriously terrified of dentists and even more afraid of needles, to the point of having to be restrained on a bad day. Stupid as it sounds, I want my mom there to sit in the waiting room and pay the bill (even if it's from my account) then to drive me home, even though I'm twenty fucking seven years old and should be able to manage a goddamned dentist appointment on my own.
Most petty of all, I accidentally ran my MP3 player through the wash. A new one is cheap, and I keep backups of all my music, but still.
I'm just... IDK. Tired. Really, really fucking tired. It's not even one thing after another, it's everything all at once. Yeah, I have Wincon coming up, but I'm not really sure I can justify going and spending a whole week enjoying myself when I have so much else that needs the money. Which is stupid and self-destructive because Wincon is the only break I really get, and if I give up that when I've been scrimping all year for it then it's a slippery slope to just folding entirely.
I feel selfish for whining. Relatively, I've got it good. No immediately threatening physical or mental ailments, no one I personally know has died recently, barring the dogs. I have a job with a boss that will let me call out at need (though I do worry how long his good will can last at this rate) even if he can't give me paid leave. High pain tolerance means I at least don't suffer much from the dental issues. There's roof over my head, food in the fridge and an internet connection on the computer. It could be so much worse, and crying about it accomplishes nothing but a headache and a worried doggy.
Even knowing all that, all I really want to do is curl up in a ball for a month and tell the world to go away and leave me alone. And I can't even do that for a weekend because the world just tracks me down and drags me back again.
These last two weeks have been hell. Just top-down, inside-out hell. So be warned: whining and a pity party below, as well as some possibly triggery stuff by way of pet death.
First off, my immediate supervisor Jacci was out last week, and will also be out all of this week because her mother passed away, so everything that took me away from work left my position entirely uncovered. There's literally no one else to answer the phones.
I spent about two days at the VA Clinic to get Papa set up, and ended up working late to try and make up the hours. They kept demanding his DD form 2-14. We've been hearing that for years. We were told they burned up in a fire, but we needed XYZ to get copies. Every time we asked, XYZ changed. Or needed to be sent somewhere else. Or weren't filed the right way and had to be done again. Once they demanded a copy of his DD form 2-14 to get a copy of his DD form 2-14. But now we have no choice, but they wanted them again. So after having dragged an old man to the doctor's for day-long visits twice in a row, we finally found out that he he doesn't fucking have a form 2-14. They only started giving those out in Vietnam, and he's a WWII vet. In years of asking, no one had told us that. All they needed was his discharge papers, which we had. Fucking bullshit. He's a vet, he's entitled to care, and GDI if I have to assault someone he's going to get it.
So Papa is finally in the system. Now I just need to figure out how to get him to his weekly appointments, since Mary doesn't want to (??? I don't even know), Devon can't, Brittany won't, Melanie can't and I work. I can't afford to miss a day every week. So IDK there.
Speaking of Brittany, she's still not talking to me. I've given up figuring out why, and at this point I don't even care. Trying to be the better person had landed me absolutely nowhere.
We lost not one but two dogs within days of each other, both hit by cars because our fence is designed to keep in horses, not Shih Tzus. In general, everyone agreed that we need to build a fence for the dogs (as I have been saying since the last one died), but (shockingly) no one showed up this weekend to help. And I can't call them, because Brittany's not speaking to me.
Emma showed up over the weekend to reclaim her dogs and grandson (who was due to start school three weeks ago). I think the secret third reason was to sneer at me and blame me for the dogs deaths, because I literally could not touch any dog but my own while she was there. I'd go to cuddle one and someone would call it over. Coincidence the first few times, maybe, but we have enough dogs that being unable to grab even one was just ridiculous. Thank goodness she was here and gone again.
On Monday, my car broke down, causing me to spend yesterday in the repair shop. Between the belt they had to replace and a few other repairs that I knew were coming, it cost me $500 and another day mostly missed from work—ended up working late again. On the plus side, it was Brittany's birthday dinner at home, so I didn't have to put up with being asked to leave my own home for her comfort.
Mary wants a grand to get Richard out of jail, and Devon needs me to co-sign for a loan. My dad is still asking to me to help with his website. My brother's not recovering from his heat stroke they way they'd hoped and as much as I love Papa I don't know how to handle his medical appointments without risking my job.
And finally today, which had not been a terrible one all told, I just noticed that I have a cracked tooth. It's one next to one I had work on as a kid, and I'd complained at the time that the teeth fit too tightly together. So I'm not really shocked that this (relatively) healthy tooth finally gave in under pressure, but did it have to do it now? Really? Have I not put up with enough shit lately?
I should apply for dental insurance, but the co-pays can be ridiculous, and as much heavy work as I need done, I'm afraid I'm going to get in there, hear $17k (the last quote on my mouth, and that was ages ago so I know it's gotten worse) and then break down. It doesn't help that I'm seriously terrified of dentists and even more afraid of needles, to the point of having to be restrained on a bad day. Stupid as it sounds, I want my mom there to sit in the waiting room and pay the bill (even if it's from my account) then to drive me home, even though I'm twenty fucking seven years old and should be able to manage a goddamned dentist appointment on my own.
Most petty of all, I accidentally ran my MP3 player through the wash. A new one is cheap, and I keep backups of all my music, but still.
I'm just... IDK. Tired. Really, really fucking tired. It's not even one thing after another, it's everything all at once. Yeah, I have Wincon coming up, but I'm not really sure I can justify going and spending a whole week enjoying myself when I have so much else that needs the money. Which is stupid and self-destructive because Wincon is the only break I really get, and if I give up that when I've been scrimping all year for it then it's a slippery slope to just folding entirely.
I feel selfish for whining. Relatively, I've got it good. No immediately threatening physical or mental ailments, no one I personally know has died recently, barring the dogs. I have a job with a boss that will let me call out at need (though I do worry how long his good will can last at this rate) even if he can't give me paid leave. High pain tolerance means I at least don't suffer much from the dental issues. There's roof over my head, food in the fridge and an internet connection on the computer. It could be so much worse, and crying about it accomplishes nothing but a headache and a worried doggy.
Even knowing all that, all I really want to do is curl up in a ball for a month and tell the world to go away and leave me alone. And I can't even do that for a weekend because the world just tracks me down and drags me back again.
no subject
Honey... *hugs again*
I hope things will get better soon. It sounds to me as though even if your primary needs (and your secondary) are met you're living under a great deel of emotional strain. And that's not something to brush off.
Half of your family sounds poisonous. I know you don't have the means to move but maybe you should be looking into gaining a little distance.
I don't know what else to say other than missing Wiscon sounds like a very bad idea if there is any way you can make ends meet. You can think of it as mental health.
*hugs one last time*
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Do NOT feel selfish for venting. That's a ton of emotional stress and drama that you're dealing with, especially when combined with a family that admittedly, I don't know, but who don't seem to give a good goddamn about each other or anything but themselves. After all this time, don't skip Wincon. It may seem selfish, but you know what? You're the only one who can look out for YOU. No one else can. And you really need a break. It may only be a brief getaway, but even that can really help you see things in a different way, think of different solutions or things to try, and at the very least it'll take a huge weight off your shoulders for a little while.
Just know that I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you. And the doggie(s). :) *more hugs*
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Dude, if I had a week like that, I'd crawl under the covers and never ever come out. And drink lots of rum. Which probably wouldn't help but would seem like a good idea at the time.
It's not at all wimpy of immature to want someone to sit with you at the dentists.
-More hugs!-
no subject
lol I plan to hide this weekend. I would be now, except I've missed too much work already.
Go to Wincon
Yeah, teeth. Wow. I just had a filling done the other day (I had the 'shadow' of a cavity for years, but cavities don't get better, you know?) and that cost me £60 alone. In addition to teeth scrape and polish it cost me £88 in total. Yeowch). But if you can, I'd say, save for teeth, because they are the only permanent set that one has. My partner has terrible teeth, in terms of say, having to go to the dentist and get them done all the time, because he didn't have time or money when he was younger.
Re: the loan, if the other party defaults, would you be responsible for it? Can you afford to do so? If not, don't, truly. Credit rating is a hell of a thing to mess up, I've seen the results of that and it's not pretty.
I do hope that your grandpa's problems sort themselves out sharpish, at least. You can't really sacrifice your job right now in this economy, you know?
Re: Go to Wincon
With the loan, yeah I would be responsible, but it's a small loan and she's trying to rebuild her credit. Her father (Richard) destroyed it. She can't even get a cell phone without help. D: So it's a small enough thing, really, it just stresses me due to Long Lost Daddy Issues (previous de-ownings for not giving my father a credit card with my name on it). I'm nervous, but it would help her a lot.
Papa has two more appointments next Tuesday and Wednesday. I need to talk with Mary about them, since she's literally the only person with nothing else to be doing. Argh, but it's going to be a fight. :|
no subject
That sounds hellish. No, really, you have reason to complain (if it can be called complaining, because, wow, it's a testament to your endurance that you haven't cracked yet), you're under great emotional strain. If you can manage at all you have to go to Wincon, just so that you'll get out of that hellhole for a while. You're right, you need to do something for yourself at least once a year.
*more hugs*
I'm sorry about your dogs. =|
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Thank you.
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Other than that, just more hugs. Losing pets is so horrible, and your family's response to pretty much everything just - ugh, not my family, I will shut it. I hope you're able to do Wincon. You deserve something just for you.
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I've been there, done that. Wish you were doing the same as I was right now and just running away from it. The only difference is I'm not running to another toxic family.
And yes, I believe they're toxic. Right now, Devon seems like the only good one of the bunch.
As for your papa, have you thought of talking to the doctor's office to see if someone can come get him? Maybe offer a little bit of money for gas? I know you live out in the boondocks, but it might be a solution.