The whole thing is awesome, but this is the part I keep coming back to reread. Which led me to notice a few things... and since you were beseeching the winds for a beta reader I thought you might be interested to hear them.
Right before the bounty hunter goes knife-happy we focus in on Sora's hair. You write: "A gelled spike caught bounced". I scratched my head figuring out the meaning of this. Is it a missing comma- "A gelled spike caught, bounced"? That's a technically correct usage but a bit difficult to scan. If that was your meaning it's equivalent to the double-comma "A gelled spike, caught, bounced". But it's still ambiguous as to what it caught *on*, and since you didn't mention any obsctructions (one of those annoying craggy false-fronts?) I was inclined more to think that the gelled spike was caught in the sense that it had been gelled down, much against its will. If that's the case than you can just omit caught entirely to get "A gelled spike bounced [up]" and insert an action verb in place of [up]. I'd suggest something like "A gelled spike chose that moment to rebel", to keep within the flavor of your work.
The second thing was a flavor thing. Right after Riku spots the knife he "shies". I have a very firm association that "shying" is something a horse does when startled, usually at things like leaves. It's a word with strong fantasy connections because that's its most common remaining usage. I think that you weren't trying to convey that Riku was startled for no real reason or that he was having a purely instinctual reaction (i.e. jumping from fright) but rather that he was reacting to get himself (and possibly Sora) out of the way. If that's the case- and I could be wrong!- I'd modify the verb to something more proactive. Maybe something like "Riku jumped back" or "Riku jerked sideways into Sora's shoulder". If you really were going for a more "aaah!" reaction I'd still recommend picking a word better in theme. When you said that I leapt right out of the fic into a medieval castle.
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Right before the bounty hunter goes knife-happy we focus in on Sora's hair. You write: "A gelled spike caught bounced". I scratched my head figuring out the meaning of this. Is it a missing comma- "A gelled spike caught, bounced"? That's a technically correct usage but a bit difficult to scan. If that was your meaning it's equivalent to the double-comma "A gelled spike, caught, bounced". But it's still ambiguous as to what it caught *on*, and since you didn't mention any obsctructions (one of those annoying craggy false-fronts?) I was inclined more to think that the gelled spike was caught in the sense that it had been gelled down, much against its will. If that's the case than you can just omit caught entirely to get "A gelled spike bounced [up]" and insert an action verb in place of [up]. I'd suggest something like "A gelled spike chose that moment to rebel", to keep within the flavor of your work.
The second thing was a flavor thing. Right after Riku spots the knife he "shies". I have a very firm association that "shying" is something a horse does when startled, usually at things like leaves. It's a word with strong fantasy connections because that's its most common remaining usage. I think that you weren't trying to convey that Riku was startled for no real reason or that he was having a purely instinctual reaction (i.e. jumping from fright) but rather that he was reacting to get himself (and possibly Sora) out of the way. If that's the case- and I could be wrong!- I'd modify the verb to something more proactive. Maybe something like "Riku jumped back" or "Riku jerked sideways into Sora's shoulder". If you really were going for a more "aaah!" reaction I'd still recommend picking a word better in theme. When you said that I leapt right out of the fic into a medieval castle.
Okay, I'll go back to loving the fic now.